diary / go back

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year 〜 2020

Date: 06-20-20

Subject: childhood

i've been thinking a lot about my childhood lately. specifically my middle school years.
this always happens when i come back home, but now that life has been distrupted and i've official become an 'adult' i've been thinking about these things more acutely.
the last entry i wrote was near the beginning of my final semester, and now it's been a little more than a month since i graduated
i know what i want for the future, but i wonder if it can actually happen. right now i just want stability, i wish i didn't have to graduate. i want to go back to school now more than ever.

anyway, childhood. childhood! the whole pandemic thing let me reconnect with my old best friends from middle school. although it was a simple exchange of a few dms, i feel much better about things, considering how they used to be in high school.
i hope there will come a day when we can all meet up once again. i think the last time i was truly happy was in middle school.
i kind of wish i kept this diary up during everything that was going on, but there were moments when i was really in a terrible place. right now i'm kind of just... drifting

listening to: tatsuro yamashita – endless game

Date: 01-22-20

Subject: anticipation

I'm settled finally. Well, maybe not completely. Tomorrow I start my internship, I'm nervous but excited at the same time. I just gotta be socialable, ask questions, etc.
I keep telling myself to be chill, but I know the metro ride over will be full of anxiety. I'm thinking back to the hour long presentations I did last semester, surely I can come into this internship with the composure I managed in those situations.
Compared to that, and going to Paris and living on my own, this is minor.

I was just in my Intro level philosphy course. I'm taking it as an elective. Even after studying a lot of the ancient world, I never actually had read philosophical content from these periods. Plato's Republic is pretty fascinating.

"Injustice is better whether or not the Gods exist--if they exist they can be swayed by sacrifice"

Prayer = being absolved from sin, therefore it is better to act unjust and get rich so that you can absolve yourself in the current, and next life.
Just as my professor was talking this response of Adeimantus' to Socrates on justice, I immediently made a mental note to Christianity.
Right as I did that, someone else raised their hand to connect Adeimentus as a "foreshadowing" of the Protestant reformation.
I hadn't thought of indulgences, I was more thinking along the lines of confessional. But we were probably on the same wavelength.
My mind kind of spun-off while our professor continued to talk: doesn't the fact that Christianity placed these means of absoval at the disposal of its believers reveal that the institution itself believes humans are inherently unjust? Just a thought...
Studying ancient philosophy/the bible/any religious text tells us much more about human nature than it does an afterlife. Certainly the existentialists knew that.
I'm glad I took this course. Trying to savor every last moment of my undergraduate education.

current mood:

Date: 01-09-20

Subject: alone

finally back to school. I'm here early and there's really not many other students on campus yet, certainly not my roommates.
relishing these moments alone. constant travel & commotion during the break never really made it feel relaxing. but now I'm in a state of hiberation.

things are looking very positive for the future.

I watched My Brilliant Career today, it left an impact. I think it was good timing to watch considering my current situation.
a few days ago I also saw the new Little Women. I wish I could be like jo or sybylla. I often feel that I'm uninteresting to others.

thinking on these two movies, I also realized how different my life would be if I had lived in those eras.
I definitely wouldn't be able to pursue my goals if it were then.
while things have changed socially for the better, the financial burden still weighs heavy.

having a dream is so expensive.

listening to: J.S. Bach – Air on the G String

Date: 01-05-20

Subject: the beginning

this is my first entry!
I'm in texas rn. sitting upstairs away from my noisy relatives.
I just wish I started my website sooner... it's already a new decade & I'm basically an adult now.
I'll be 22 in 2 weeks and I'm feeling so sick about it. I dont want to get any older.
I don't think it's normal how often I think about the passage of time. everything just moves so fast.
let me just just pause it all.
I do not want to grow up! make it stoooop!

current mood: